


the heart that you call home

by jadeddiva



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-09
Updated: 2014-01-09
Packaged: 2018-01-08 01:50:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1126974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadeddiva/pseuds/jadeddiva
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While in the Enchanted Forest, Killian misses Emma.  Snow notices.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the heart that you call home

**Author's Note:**

> For a tumblr prompt asking for Snow to confront Killian about his feelings for Emma, and for Killian not to look at her because she resembles her daughter.

**the heart that you call home**

 

It is strange for Killian to stay in the palace.  He is not used to being around people for such extended periods of time, and he misses the water desperately.  There is a lake nearby but it is not the ocean and his ship was not transported with the curse, and he misses his ship nearly as much as his misses Emma.

Nearly.

It is also strange because everyone that Killian knew and loved in the Enchanted Forest is dead: there are no friends from his pirate days that he can turn to, just those he returned with and the only one he knows reasonably well just happens to be a fairy, and spends much of her time off doing fairy things.  He knows Neal and yet he doesn’t, and Emma hangs between them like a dark cloud, lingering in their vision and preventing any real friendship from sparking. Killian bears no ill-will towards Neal (though he expects the opposite would be more than true) though it is difficult to become friends for the obvious reasons.

It is Charming who Killian turns to, eventually, when need for human company drives him out of his chambers or the library or wherever he has found himself for that afternoon.  He volunteers his services to help in the kingdom because the more he remains idle the more he thinks about Emma and the sadder he grows, but it is one thing to serve a prince and another to be friends with him.

Luckily, the other man seeks out his company as well.

They find that they have enough to talk about that Emma is mentioned infrequently, but always with reverence, and while her father’s attitude towards him may have changed, the attitude of her mother Snow remains icy as ever.

Killian cannot blame her.  Despite his best intentions at being an honorable man, there is no honor in breaking up not one but two families, and even though Snow does not know the sordid history Killian has with Rumplestiltskin or his son, she knows that he is a pirate, and that is enough to condemn him in her eyes.  She also knows enough about Neal’s feelings for Emma (and the reverse – at least, he assumes such) for her to want them back together, and Killian can hardly blame her.  The princess is a romantic, not a pragmatist like her husband, and the common trope in all the romantic tales that Killian has ever read state clearly that star-crossed lovers are reunited at the end of the story, and that True Love conquers all.

(He wonders, perhaps, if he and Emma might be star-crossed lovers, but it is a brief and idle thought because he knows that most assuredly they are not, that this is a one-sided love that he holds for her, and that is will never be reciprocated because she is very much in her realm and he is very much in his.  He wonders, also, if what he feels is True Love, but knows he will not be able to ever find out because, again, there are realms between them and even if she was here, he has sworn to let her reunite her family without him standing in the way.)

(Not that he could stand in the way, not if she doesn’t reciprocate his feelings.)

He does most of his wondering in the hours before dawn, when his own internal rhythms tell him that he needs to be awake even though there is no reason to be, when he stares at the ceiling or his chambers and thinks of her.  He promised to think of her daily and so he does, remembering the contours of her face and her fierce spirit and determination, and her kindness and honor.  He remembers what she made him feel, and in every action of every minute of every day, he vows to be the man she resurrected from the ashes, not the man who burned up so quickly with revenge.

The seasons change.  They arrived in winter, but he stays at the palace through spring, helping where he can.  He finds that he has a knack for coordinating the clean-up effort, directing the dwarves and others in their labors, and his friendships with the dwarves grow (though his friendship with Snow continues to be nonexistent).  He becomes friends with the archer, Robin Hood, who visits the palace with his Merry Men and who drinks with the dwarves and casts lustful glances at the queen.  He even reaches a tentative truce with Neal, who returns to the Dark Castle with Belle in hopes of discovering just where the Dark One has gone.

And yet, Snow White does not thaw.

Eventually Killian gives up trying.   It doesn’t help that the mother so closely resembles the daughter that looking at her is physically painful – a constant reminder of the shadow over his heart.

As the days grow warmer and summer is soon upon them, his memories of Emma do little to ease his tortured soul.  He had only one month with her, and yet he loves her so deeply that the thought of her takes his breath away.  He is confident that what he feels for her is the deepest of loves, and wonders what might have happened if he had been given proper time.  When he thinks back over their interactions, he wonders if perhaps she had felt something too.  And yet, there is still the fear that perhaps he is twisting the memories into something they’re not, some perversion to suit his fantasies.  He stops sleeping for fear of dreaming of her, then starts drinking so as not to dream at all.  He keeps to himself more, haunted by his own fears, emerging only to perform his duties before retreating into his despair.

One day, there is a knock on the door of his quarters.  It is the princess.

“Are you feeling all right?” she asks without preamble, and Killian does not know what to say.  There is one truth, that he misses her daughter, and there is the other truth about him being a one-handed pirate with a drinking problem.  Both truths leave a bad taste in his mouth, so he swallows them down and settles for fiction.

“I am quite well, your highness,” is all he can say, which is an absolute lie.  Snow narrows her eyes and looks at him (he is probably reeking of rum and despair and this fib does not help him in her eyes, he knows).

“I just wanted to check.  Charming was worried about you since you’ve been keeping to yourself lately.”

“Aye, I’m sorry to worry the prince.  I will do my best to not be so disruptive,” Killian responds. 

Snow nods, and turns to leave but stops.

“We all miss her,” she says, and Killian feels such guilt that it catches in his throat.  He has been selfish, he thinks, because if anyone should be mourning Emma it is her parents, not him.  He has no right to mourn her privately or publicly, no right to pretend that there was anything between them, no claim whatsoever on her memory.  It is her parents, and Neal, and those that knew her longer that should be mourning her.

(There is a small voice in his head that wonders, despite all of this, if he didn’t know her better than they did, but he shuts it down immediately because that is uncharitable and he is trying to be a better man.)

“Aye, your highness.”  Killian says, turning away.  “I am very sorry that you and the prince must deal with such pain.”

“And what about you? Seems like you’re being awfully sorry for yourself right now.”  Snow’s words are harsh truths in Killian’s ears, and he turns back.

“I am, your highness, and I have no right to act in such a manner.  I appreciate your keen observation,” he says, though he realizes the words he speaks have a harsher tone than he intends.  “No offense, princess.”

Snow narrows her eyes, studying him.  “None taken.  But you knew Emma too – why do you think it’s not okay for you to miss her?”

“I knew your daughter but only for such a short time that I cannot lay claim to the depth of your pain,” he tells Snow, words that sound hollow when he says them because he cannot tell her that he loves Emma, cannot tell her that he thinks about her every day, cannot admit how he is fearful that his memories are untrue, not when the princess has lost so much more.

“But you kissed her,” Snow presses.  “And in the cave – “

“I am all too aware of my actions, your highness, and would prefer not to relive them if I might.”  Killian feels anger and frustration and loss building inside of him, and he wants nothing more than to have another sip of rum, to have some way of washing out the pain.  “I already do enough of that already.”

Snow purses her lips together, studies him.  “Charming says you love her.”

This surprises Killian, as he’s never told the other man anything of that sort, though he knows the other man determined that he cared for Emma in Neverland.  He sighs.  “I do, your highness, and I am well aware that I have no right to wallow in such feelings for your daughter, not when she has others with have more rights to her heart than I do.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t love her.”  Killian looks up to find Snow looking at him intently and he has to look away because she resembles Emma so much right now that his heart breaks all over again.

“I would like to think that, given time, she might have grown to care for me, but that is very much a lost hope.”

“If there’s one thing I learned,” Snow says, crossing the threshold, “it’s to never give up hope - least of all where Emma’s concerned.”   She pauses.  “Join us for dinner tonight.  It would brighten all our moods.”

Killian nods, surprised at this invitation.  “Thank you, your highness. I will.”

The princess leaves Killian to his thoughts, which swirl turbulently enough that he cannot make heads or tails of them, but he does not turn to rum to sort him out.  Instead, he goes back to work because a beautiful home for her family is what Emma would want, or so he hopes.

(He is only mildly surprised when he is summoned before the prince and princess and asked to go on a mission to find Emma in her realm.  When he asks why he was chosen, it is the princess who answers.

“Because you love her enough to cross realms to find her,” she tells him, “and because you have hope, and that will make the difference.”)

 

 

 


End file.
